An appropriate title for my first blog. It's from Alice in Wonderland; one of my favorite childhood books. And even though I suppose this isn't the very beginning of everything for me, it is the start of a new chapter. But before I post about my current life, I think for old times sake Im going to tell some old stories that I'd written while in my undergrad at Oregon State.
Written: June 2007
Published: June 2011
Description: Hands down my favorite job I had during college. I wrote this after a particularly awful day. They were few and far between, but anybody that has ever worked customer service knows how much people can suck sometimes.
From your friendly neighborhood barista
I'm a barista at a drive through coffee shop. a job in which i truly do enjoy. most of the customers are reasonably friendly, however some are in desperate need of training on how to interact with us. So I have graciously put forth this blog in hopes that those that suck, stop.
1 . We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule 1: Have your shit together. by far the most important rule. Not only will following Rule 1 get you served quicker and through my line faster, but it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in South American border crossing scenarios.
3 . don't think your billy coolpants just cause you can say your drink faster than it's humanly possible to understand. it's only going to result in me Saying, "sorry, i didn't catch that" , and Thinking "did this bitch just speak klingon to me". In a related topic, don't put a multitude of ten second gaps in your order for one drink. sure, you want a double tall iced skinny sugar free vanilla latte with double the flavor. sure, great, got it. Don't take forever to tell me, cause in those ten second gaps I start to think and get lost in my own life. i'd like a double tall . . . . . . iced. . . . . . . . . . . . "did I leave my wet towel on my bed this morning", . . . . . . . soy. . . "what do I want for dinner tonight?" . . . . . sugar free . . . . . . "I swear if i come home and the dog has chewed through another pair of my underwear, i'm gonna lose it" caramel latte. . . . . . . . . "Oh crap, I think she just finished her order" just say you need a minute so I can help the person at the other window.
4. Don't put pennies in the tip jar
We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have or want anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17? if you only have pennies just keep them and don't tip k? it's an insult to my service when you tip me 3 cents. i'd rather just be ignorant and think that maybe you don't have any money left.
5. Have your money ready
I told you your total before I started to make the drinks for a reason. 5 minutes later with your 4 drinks done, and you haven't even touched your purse to search for your wallet is at the very least irritating. I don't know if you thought that i would forget you still owe me 12.75 or maybe you thought you were gonna pay with sexual favors, but either way your mistaken. refer to rule 1
6. Parents- don't order coffee for your children.
you wonder why he won't go down for his nap, I wonder why you chose to bring that upon yourself. and yes, our jet teas have caffeine. they're tea after all.
7. I won't force my bad habits on you, you don't force them on me.
This means, don't smoke at the window. I understand, you have an addiction. don't we all? personally, I'm over the top with brushing my teeth. while it's not quite as dangerous for my health, you don't see me rollin up to stand, foamin at the mouth tryin to order a latte, spitting colgate all over the joint. you wanna go around smellin like a dive bar, that's cool, however do it away from where I have to be all day.
8. Don't be a creeper.
You'd think this one would be easy enough for the majority of people to understand. wrong! Espresso stands are the metaphorical Mecca for old skeezy men to flock to and make inappropriate comments to women a third of their age. Extra creep points if your gold chain matches your pinky ring.
9. if you're a person whose percent body fat is over 50% and orders a mega chocolate lovers mocha frost with caramel, don't tell me no whip cream because you're trying to cut out unnecessary calories.
it only makes it sad that you've acknowledged the problem but are only doing nothing to fix it.
10. Don't get mouthy
I'm sorry, I misheard your oder, or just got it wrong. I'll fix it. hell, I'll even let you keep the messed up one for a friend if you still want it. but don't get snotty, it only makes me want to spit in your drink that much more.
11. I can't hear you over the grinder and espresso machine.
I love to talk, but when there's a line I don't have time to talk a lot about your itchy beard, the weather, your gout, perhaps even local politics. above all that, I can't even hear you over the blenders and other machines I have going.
12. don't oder 6+ different blended drinks
there's no real way to get around this one, i just hate you people in general. you make me wash a lot of blenders and waste time doing so to make more drinks. try it hot.
13. don't ask me for my personal information you get my first name. Maybe what I'm majoring in at OSU if I like you. that's it. refer to rule 8.
So with that, I leave you with the knowledge of how to be a perfect customer.
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